Meeting you Soulmate

Posted: April 30, 2021 in Pages of my Diary

When the path seems dark,

When the surrounding seems so lonely,

When the place feels so dense but

Not a single breath felt around..

When the body feels soulless

When the strong emotions with no meaning

Haunts you for no reason.

When the Sun, Moon and Stars go nowhere but

The space dooms down to darkness,

You end up reaching the right soul…

The Soul who would understand you with no words

The Soul that would always be just a blink away …..

Scribbling from my heart after a long gap....No Spellcheck or proofreading 🙂

Wish – 3

Posted: July 12, 2018 in Pages of my Diary

From the day I got my driving licence, I had been wanting to buy a car.

Before my wedding was fixed, my mom discouraged me saying, I can choose to spend money over such things post wedding 😦 In fact, I had cash with me to get a brand new car(a normal small car 😉 ) without depending on a loan… Still I had to keep the money untouched until marriage was fixed … I understood my mother’s worry and ignored my mind asking me to get one..

My marriage was fixed with AM and time passed by ignoring this wish of mine.. Once AM offered me to drive his new car before our wedding and my fear or driving restricted me to take it with confidence and post that day, AM never offered me and me too never felt like 😛 Time moved on and I continued to sit beside AM in his car and behind him while in his bike….

Thuhi came into our lives and so did Hethi and the new arrival of Thuhi’s little bro :)…I rejoined work, AM back to his work mode at Bahrain and Ingi and Chinju busy with their works… I was with Ingi along with Hethi during the initial days after my rejoining as Hethi’s Nannama was close to their place. I joined driving class again..I am not sure what pushed me but I wanted to drive…It was time when AD – Ingi’s hubby had resigned his job and was planning different things for their future… In their planning phase they decided to sell their new Hyundai i20 and in very short time they did it even before I could think about buying a car… Unexpected thing then happened in our lives that changed my look at life.. AD fell ill with the final stage of Cardiomyopathy.. I don’t want to explain that here … So, during those times of hospital visits and mental tensions, I decided to get a car, learn it and start driving…I had asked K to help me with the process of finding a second hand car as unlike my pre wedding wish to get a new one…

With in a week’s time, K updated me details of a Car and something in my mind pushed me to go for it.. AM’s uncle had been advising me to wait for sometime and then get a new one… FIL was asking me to get a loan and check out for new one but then, something deep inside pushed me to check the second hand option…

I went to my usual temple and asked my uncle(Guru) if I can go for it. He immediately asked me to go ahead and the plan it for the vijayadhashami day as it is auspicious… It was the next day I went to the place with our family fren bro and immediately gave advance and fixed 😀 The day after the next day, I went with my FIL and his frens who had come from Kerala to get the car 😀

30th September 2017

We were totally 5 people who had been there to get a second hand Santro 😀 Those friends of my FIL were so interesting and encouraging and I felt so good at last…

The entire day from reaching In Law’s place then to get Car with the Gang and back home to get Hethi and then drive to my mom’s place with FIL who dropped me in car, Ingi and family waiting to see, AD driving the car to their place with all of us and me taking in half way 😀 , rain at night….everything was just awesome 😀

No matter how worst I describe the day here, It would occupy the best place my memory list…

Atlast, I am too a Car Owner (Amount fully settled, Documents Cleared and Insurance in place :D)



Colours have vanished,

Taste has settled down to just sweet and Salt,

Energy rewritten as time in-front of cellphones,

And Happiness finding new Meaning and definitions…

Am I walking along with the so called Human Race,

Or have I taken a wrong turn in my own pace….

Every time I talk to my conscience , I am left alone from the crowd behind,

Forcing me to take those extra brainless steps to be back in crowd again!


A moment of silence in front of white board holding a black marker,

Looking through my window pane in the 7th floor,

The trees surviving amongst the tall concrete buildings,

The green mountains far behind the airport – framing the scene of aircraft takeoff,

And the cottony white clouds decorating the sky –  ignoring the dark grey smoke from the industries beneath,

Is giving me a new Hope of Life!!

Moving with crowd has no meaning, When the destination is unknown 🙂


It’s now “My Time“..

Let the crowd be behind…

I shall paint colours to my present and add flavors to my future,

So that my present and future too,

Occupy the space along with my tasty colourful memories of the past..


Looking through my Window Pane every morning,

Seeing aircrafts takeoff and move through the clear blue sky,

Flock of birds rhythmically flying and the Strong Mountains far behind…

I wait for my daily meeting alarm,

To kick start my day at Office…


All the highlights planned for this year is almost done and now I feel, I will have time to plan for my writing 😀

Chinju’s wedding was planned and executed very well and now things are settled.

Hethi’s Nannamma’s husband met with an accident and she had to be with him to take care exactly a month before the wedding. Wedding nearing, I wanted to be with Amma and so with no option, admitted Hethi in creche near by. So, now I don’t need to depend on the baby sitter or my MIL for taking care of Hethi 🙂 This was a big Change in our life…

AM had come for vacation and though I did not get time with him as always, most of our worries have been settled down. AM has made up his mind to come back to India by end of the year to settle down as a family 🙂

Yesterday, I switched back to working mode and Hethi back to creche life after our one month stay at in-law’s place…

Have planned a list of things to be done before 2018 signs off 🙂 Need to spend next 6 months for me!

Will be back soon:)

A quick catch up :) – 2017

Posted: February 6, 2018 in Pages of my Diary

Lots of things have been happening around my life in the past 2 years…. Its been more than a year since I joined work after my maternity leave and now my little one is 2.5.. Time is flying always so fast that by the time I realize that I am getting old, My younger sis is getting married 😀

On Official front – I am continuing in the same account that I joined after leaves and continuing to do the same old uninteresting job 😛 Only positive side of it is that – Less Stress, Less time spent on travel to office and weekends are just for me 🙂

Regarding my little one –  She has started talking and mingling with people as least expected 😛 and of-course she has become a Super Naughty Gal, Being with her Nannamma(Baby sitter) whole day – she speaks better Tamil than my mom 😛 …. It’s now time for us to put her in school and then I will have lots to write Iam sure 😀

With AM – He is continuing in Bahrain and is expecting me and Hethi to join him…. Iam still in the stage of dilemma with that decision and leave that upon almighty who usually settles my uncertainty..

Friends – Having a really really good times these days with my friends circle…. Lots to post about it :.. Will take a different post

With Family – Younger sis Chinju is getting married to her Love with the support of both families… Hope to play a good role in the planning and implementation of the Wedding 🙂 Weekends going forward will be for that 🙂 Tough to realize that she has grown up 🙂

Apart from all this, one thing that happened is me getting a CAR 🙂

After years of wishing, this one gets ticked in my wish list… Got a second hand Santro… Now that we don’t have a person at home to drive Car, I started using it 😛

People criticized me for choosing to buy an old one and that too for the cost that I paid(double the worth is what all told me)..But then, it was the decision of 2 days and I had to buy it… If Ihad waited thinking of better options, I would have ended up not buying just like past 6 years 😀 I have now started driving and gaining confidence….This is a Milestone in my life 😀

Before I close the post, I have decided to come back to this site often and update posts to ensure I dont forget writing 😛 Its been really really long…

Thanks to my Manager for connecting from Home today 😀

First Crush

Posted: October 24, 2017 in Emotions from Heart

What do I call it, I was confused…
Was I too young to decide it to be “Love at First Sight
or Was I too matured enough to conclude it as mere “Infatuation“….
Years later I realized the meaning of “First Crush” 😉
I was in grade 8 when he joined us first…
New guy in the class, lots to know and explore I thought…
Creative was he through my glasses –
Which was then fresh as pink roses….

A tall handsome guy in class,
Smart enough to declare himself a “Prince” 😉
Is it his looks or his talks…
Who knows at that tender age what attracts the most,
For the first time in my life – I was attracted to someone!
The attraction that blossoms at teen 😉

I saw him –
Mingling with gang of gals who were not into my close set,
Roaming with guys who never waved me a hi-bye,
And felt him to be a part of the gang that I never much bothered about :P!
How can I welcome him to my circle I thought cos…
I was sure not to enter his. 😀

What would get us a chance to shake hands I wondered…
And that’s when I came to know he too writes as I did. 😛

I write a lot and call it myself poems – Then and even Now 😀
My Mom and Dad kept encouraging me to write and so did my kith and kin,
My friends kept praising me for all those simple write-ups or rhyme,
And so, did my English Ma’am…

I still remember instances that made me scribble those lines,
I still treasure those hand-written poem books of mine,
And I still feel good for that being a reason for our lovely friendship to bind 🙂

School Memories with him are not so much,
But those few moments still remain so fresh…
Our small discussions about poems and what to write,
Exchanging our views on the common topics,
And Our Trip to Bird Sanctuary remains memorable as ever-
For all that special moments together 😀

His Flip-book animation still excites me and the story still refreshes me…

Just like a bubble did our times together last,
We moved apart to different schools for higher…
And then, on with our graduation and new friends…
Lot of changes and distance apart I thought,
But our first mobile chat in my friend’s mobile –
Brought back the same excitement in me after years 😀

Where to start and how to go on  – I have no clue,
For all those small-small lovely moments I had with you,
I am not sure if you remember,
But I still treasure those memories as a token of remembrance of my “First Crush“…

I still smile…thinking of…
The times I used my friend’s mobile – Just to say a Hi to you…

You were the one who introduced me the SMS style and slang,
When, “Dear”, “Darling” and “Sweeethearts” were far beyond my typing skills 😛
I remember saving the SMS counter everyday,
For that was the generation when SMS did cost more of a penny…

Those vacation days spent with my Grandma,
Dialing your number just to listen to your caller tune –
“Senorita – I love you ” …not just once but N times :P,
Makes me burst out laughing even today 😀
But those add to the wonderful memorable times of my life 🙂

It was not infatuation, or love or attraction then,
But just an emotion coated with loving memories –
Memories that would make me smile even now 😀

The day I stepped into your house with my friend,
The day you invited us to your room and the pictures you shared,
The moment you pulled my hand while leaving….
And the exact moment when my friend looked at us clueless..
Still remains special –
For that is “The Day” you addressed me
“Sweetheart” looking into my eyes …

Silly were those days when I think of it now,
but are still gifting me a chance to smile 🙂

Sweetheart for you my sweetheart” he offered me a small candy-
Amongst the big chocolate bars that his mom placed in front of
Although the smallest – It remains special with white wrapper
and a pink heart on it 🙂
And the wrapper continues to occupy the wonderful page of
my personal diary 😀

He moved out for his job and I for mine,
Phone calls and messages became rare –
For we both were into 2 different IT giants-
trying to cope with the all new IT world…

Excited was I to enter the new place…
But the excitement found no bound to meet him there 😛
Somewhere in some corner of the world,
we find things least expected,
To churn our memories and refresh us  🙂

He was there – calm and composed,
One among the 500 that we joined…
“A replica of my crush should I say
Or my weird imagination.”
Tough was to find out the details,
Surprise was the result to know…
For their names shared the same starting letter 😛
I dint talk to him once, I have no clue where is now
And neither did I bother to trace, for he was just a replica 😛
A passing cloud that rained to refresh my memories 😀

Time flew so fast and we moved on to different directions,
New friends, new relationships and completely new phase of life…

I am a mother of a gal and
He – dad of a boy,
Both of us heading towards different goals in life…
Still the unexpected flip of the coin, gave us a chance 🙂

After years,
we ended up working in the same campus…

I had the same excitement as ages ago to meet him in this place,
And the Excitement overwhelmed when he offered to drop me back home 🙂

we talk, we share and we enjoy travel together recollecting those old memories… 🙂
The beauty of life is just awesome….
He was my first crush and would remain the same…
After all, its one world and same emotions that travel across hearts!!!


My First Journey

Posted: December 22, 2016 in Book of my Dream

Through the dim-lit narrow roads,

Cutting of the cold breeze and strong winds,

Accompanied by the sound of Splashing raindrops,

Moved the jeep with the New-Born….


I could hear the heavy splashes of raindrops…

I could feel the chillness of cold breeze…

I could see the dim-lit narrow roads…

I could feel the warmth of the black blanket that is now safe in my grandma’s Almirah

And above all, I could feel his loving – safe hands holding me so close….

Journey of Love,

Journey with Nature,

The first Journey of my Life…



Some say I am – “Lost in Thoughts”

Some tease that I am – “Gone Mad”


I still remember everything so well-

The rain,

The breeze,

The narrow roads &

The thick black blanket…

And yeah… The very sight of the blanket now,

Takes me to that journey so real…


I admit…

It’s either my memory which none would accept… or

My grandma’s memory that has been transferred to me so very well that.. It has now become a part of mine too 🙂

Is it my MEMORY or my loving Grandma’s TALENT ???

Anyway, to me, it’s the first journey of my life in this world…

A journey so special that I still treasure….

A journey welcomed by loving nature….

Ammamma –  I dedicate this to you….



Rendezvous with Memory

Posted: December 21, 2016 in Pages of my Diary

I was getting into my regular working mode after my long work from home, maternity and child care leaves……… I was slowly getting on track that I found very little time for my self…it was then, that one of my old friend pinged me in whats-app… OK now, here I start my story 🙂

This friend I am referring to was my HR during my initial trainee period.

Being a non IT graduate and making an entry into an IT Giant, everything around felt like Greek & Latin to me 😉 …. Security checks, small cabins, people glued to monitors, presentations on projectors, client calls in meeting rooms and the lifeless faces on our ID cards…. I felt a complete misfit here….

The team that always brought oasis to this desert or the team that tried breaking the silence prevailed in the ODC was “The HR Team”.. I just loved our HR team, the HRs and the activities they did.. I was a person who was very jovial, energetic and enthusiastic when it came to anything other than coding 😛 It was during those wonderful days of my life, that I was into various activities in the team and even came up to organizing our project level yearly events. I used to run and fly while organizing(My Delivery Manager gave me the responsibility of ensuring team’s energy and happiness :P) and participating in events. I even dared to step in for a ramp walk(conducted in the company) which I had no idea about… :P.. So that was me during my initial days trying to find happiness in this deserted place 🙂 From the day I entered till today, I feel I have been lucky enough to get the good people around …

It was during one of the events that SP entered my friend list. Our team was participating in the skit competition organised by HR and SP had sent me an sms regarding our performance slot. So then, his number was saved in my mobile.. I don’t know how exactly but me and SP were in touch and became good friends as years moved although both of us took different routes 🙂 Now, to say about SP, he was a handsome guy as seen through the eyes of all gals in our floor and above (Imagine ours to be ground floor of the 7 floors) 😛 To me, I considered him a very senior person and admired him with respect. He was the “Only Guy” in HR team that time I guess(Not sure if I too like others, missed to notice any) and somehow he gained respect in my heart.

For my wedding, which happened after more than 2 years of being into this team, I had invited all big and small from this place that gifted me the financial confidence that I have now… I learnt after months of my wedding that SP had been for the wedding but didn’t turn up to the stage as it was too crowded. He pinged me in communicator once I was back after marriage vacation and requested for a meeting so that he can handover the gift he had got for my wedding… I was really really surprised to realize that he had given importance to the wedding invite of a junior team mate … He had moved from being HR to next roles in course of time and so did I… I used to message him once in blue moon and have met him few times in our canteen when he visited my branch. As assured to him, I informed him when I planned my first onsite travel and, informed him when I planned for my maternity leaves and then it was a long gap 🙂 By then, he had been on an onsite assignment at Norway and our contact was not missed but I could say we rarely realized that our contacts existed 😛 He would have been busy with his new role, challenges and family and likewise I was completely out of my usual circle and unknowingly got restricted to my little darling, my family and issues 🙂

I get a whats-app message a month back like “Hello..I had called you..”

To be frank, I could not guess who it was and neither did the DP helped me 😛 I just replied with a confused smiley and then I get a call from the same number which I missed to attend last week …. I attended the call..



This hello went for twice/ thrice as I tried to guess the voice….

“Hey… Neengala…???” I was loud and his response was a question asking if I actually understood who 😛

I had mistaken him to be my old fren SA 😉 but he was at US and the number was not from US…

I recognized him now…

“Hey… SP” I literally shouted with excitement.. I never expected him to give me this importance 🙂 We spoke for a while and then he shared his Christmas vacation plan and promised we meet 🙂

After few days,

Just during our my usual chat with GA, she asked me to check with SP if he can help with any opportunity for her at Canada…She had forwarded her resume to my mail and I just forwarded it to SP requesting help. I get an immediate out of office response and then I realized that he by now, should be in India.

I messaged him and yeah as planned we decided to meet the next day…

21st Dec 2016

He asked me to take off from my usual project hours so that we can go for lunch and then after coffee he can drop me at home. But then, I felt I cannot take the advantage of my Manager’s liberty and hence informed that I will either go for lunch and be back to office or would meet after lunch at 3 so that I can have coffee and return home directly. After few discussions, we decided that we will meet at 3 in my branch and then move out for coffee..I informed my manager the truth and yeah I was waiting for the meet 🙂

I, well in advance informed SP that he will not be able to recognize me cos its almost 2-3 years since we met 😛 I started from my desk  to my office gate as he informed that he will wait at the gate. But, in sometime, I get call from him saying, he is inside the campus. I was new to this office – location and I had no idea how to guide him with the route and he told that he will better go out and wait as he too got confused… As I walked toward the main entrance,…hey….here he drives in…. And again to my surprise, he recognized me 😀

I got into his car, placed my bag in the rear seats and then we drove off 🙂 I was finding it little difficult to start but then as we moved to the ECR (Yes…it was really a long drive compared to my expectation of having a coffee in some cafe near by), I started my usual chit chatting 😛 I have never spent a time like this with SP ever and now I did have a confusion about lot of things…Anyway, this drive was also one among the breaks I wanted these days 🙂 We went to Coffee day in ECR and occupied a corner space from were I had a clear vision of the road 🙂 We had ordered for cold coffee… My stomach was already full with heavy meals that I packed from home but then how long can I simply sit in a coffee shop 😛

After placing the orders, SP came to the seat with his laptop bag… don’t roll your eyes 😛 It was working day for him and it was his peak meeting times:P He tried to spend sometime talking to me but then he had his own worries at work front I understood.. Anyway, I spent time thinking about my old days, my project mates, leads, Managers and the set of enthusiastic HR team who I always admired. My eyes were most of the times on the empty road and I just wanted to go for a walk..or rather, I was actually wanting to run around to feel the sun and the slowly moving breeze 🙂 (It was a sunny day ;)) I just wished, if SP shutdowns his Laptop and we go for a walk in the beach-side recollecting the old days … But unfortunately, SP was glued to his monitor until it was time for us to start back…

In few minutes, I got something to do rather than sitting idle starring at the empty roads 😛 Yes…. I was sipping the cold coffee…really slowly trying to feel the taste of every sip ….. In between his work, SP tried giving me little company… Anyway, it was then time for us to start…I would rather say, I was late because I had told mom that I would be reaching home early than usual but that time has already crossed and I was miles apart from my office 😛

Atlast, SP had shutdown his Laptop and we started our journey back 🙂 I would say, the return journey was awesome considering the amount of talking we did and memories we walked through. It was then, I came to know that he too had memories in which I played a role just like my memories in which he took active role… I would fail if I try to type in the exact conversation/ sharing we had because, those were sharing of a golden period that both of us traveled together. I felt so fresh and energetic as  I traveled years back…I discussed a lot about how I felt seeing the HR team, how my team mates teased me with the sms SP sent me, how gals in our batch were behind him and lot more.. We also spoke about that departed soul of HR team 😦 He had shared his experiences as HR and how he felt working with us etc…I was in fact surprised when he told about how I looked in a green salwar on a particular day… I had to roll my eyes…. I was flying now 😛 to know someone noticed me among a gang 😛 (I was not a person who gave importance to dressing and makeup those days. May be, post wedding, I would have changed a bit :P)

And then, we moved on through the heavy traffic road…. I was looking at the time and was wondering if I would reach atleast before 10 PM 😦 But then, the worry about delay was less this time 😛 As we kept talking, “Nature’s call” 😦 I did not know how to react and what to do… After a point, I had to tell SP 😛 I realized that I would not be able to control until we reached my office and hence requested SP to stop anywhere he found a place 😛 After few minutes, I was restless…..At-last, after trying to take halt at few places which was a failure due to parking issues, SP gave me “The Idea” !!!

“ITC Grand Chola”(Chennai’s Luxury Hotel)is closer, I will drop you at the entrance, you get in as a guest, and then come out. I shall wait. (What an Idea Sirji!!!) I was in a situation that I could neither accept the idea not reject it..

Lots of thoughts were running in my mind.. I was not dressed as if for a party, I was not sure if there were some official meetings happening for which I could pretend to have come or rather I have never been to that place before…. Apart from all the worries, nature’s call was something taking the first place. Yes!! I decided to take his suggestions 😛 I put up with him n number of doubts for this one plan…

” What would I say while getting in”,

” What if someone asks which function”,

” Where would be the rest room”

” How can I make an entry and directly ask for rest room”

“What if there was no function”

Lots of logical and illogical questions 😛 Somehow, we reached the entrance and SP stopped the car in front.. I got down with my mobile in hand… Securities were waiting out and there were front office executives in uniform….I stepped into the front office… There were neatly dressed up ladies waiting and I reached out to them without any delay and enquired about the rest room. With no questions from their end, a lady walked me towards the restroom.. As we moved, I looked at the wonderful large palace like interiors and ensured I noted down the way…I was into the restroom and the moment I felt so relaxed which I can never explain in words 😛 Please dont laught 😉

I refreshed myself and then stepped out… I slowly moved through the same path that the lady took me so that I wont get missed (I’m very poor at routes :P) I got near a glass door through which I could see the entrance… But then, I happened to ask a guy who walked the way in uniform as where was the entrance and he guided me towards the exact opposite direction 😦 I was confused as I started noticing that I was walking through a completely different route….SP was on call and told me that I was going in a different direction as he saw me moving away from entrance…I somehow found the entrance and searched for SP to find him nowhere….

“Hey.. I’s waiting at the same place I dropped you”

“I am also waiting in the entrance but I cannot see you :(”

I confirmed that I was in the entrance with a security and informed the same to SP. It was then that SP told me, this had entrance from all 4 directions 😛 and I was at the opposite entrance. And then, I waited for SP to pick me 🙂 We were back to car and started towards my office… This was a completely different experience for me.Ha ha ha…

Time was too late and we had to rush…. As we moved, SP realized that he has a meeting to attend from his office for which he had to take a reverse route after dropping me… I then, told that, It would be okay if he drops me at my office so that I can take bus from there just like my usual days… As we moved closer to my office, I noticed a bus to my place moving in front 🙂 Time was moving so fast and it was dark already and SP had to join meeting from his office… We targeted to reach the bus stop before that bus reaches so that I can get in and just as the signal could change, I got down from the car and without even waving my hand, rushed to the bus in front 🙂 Perfect timing….. A meeting with a friend after years of gap.. It was lovely….

No much talking, no much roaming, nothing much still, this day will remain fresh for the fact that it gifted me a close walk through my lovely past 🙂 and a terrible experience with Nature’s call 😛

One major thing we missed was a Snap together to treasure this meeting in future….

SMS Date with my old Pal

Posted: August 30, 2016 in Book of my Dream

Ages after, today, when I take my Pen,

I feel like I am still at School –

Learning to Write,

Loving to Read and

Eager to know & Explore…..

While I was at the end of the tunnel,

Fearing to take another step,

Wondering if I would fall down and

Shivering if I would be lost for all……

A sudden hold so safe,

Made me step ahead to see the lovely bright scene that I once enjoyed!

In few minutes of sharing, I was gifted my life back…

The life I had been missing,

The life which I thought had been lost and

The life that made me “ME”

Knowingly or Unknowingly, my dear fren-

Your message has made my heart content and

has given me strength to start the game all over again!

Pain of Love

Posted: May 21, 2016 in Pages of my Diary

This post is something I have been yearning to write since almost an year….Something that I have read a lot about but all that I read had nothing to do with what I experienced… At this point, I can very well say that, even what I am going to pen down will never be experienced by any in future because….because…..because I am going to write about a wonderful journey that most of us would walk through but in our own shoes…. This journey for sure will be a colourful one for all who experience but would be of varied different shades and hence different flavour 🙂

This might not interest many but this post will be gift to two wonderful souls in my life who always make me feel worth living 🙂

Presenting here the most ambrosial flavour of my colourful journey of life 🙂

17th May 2015

This was the date that my Doctor, my Scan report and my Calendar had marked for little one’s arrival… I was eagerly waiting and so was AM and others at home/native…

I had a mixed feeling then….I would be missing  my tummy which had now become my best body part, I would be missing the lovely kicks which had become my routine, I was tensed and worried about the entire process but above all I wanted to see my little one who has been living in me for the past ten months…

AM had reached two days in advance to this date as I wanted him to get the feel of our little one while inside my tummy and wanted him to see the little one on the first day itself..Certain things should never be missed because those moments can never come back…

I had no symptom of labour although it was my due date but I thought it would be like that and guessed no matter what, I would be able to see our little one this day…Me and AM went to hospital and after the usual fetal heart beat check, we had to return home with no good news 🙂 Yes!!! Our darling wanted to stay back in my tummy itself….Now, my tension started…how am I going to endure the pain of labour… I have been hearing people talk about it and posts in FB which worried me too much.. I am a kind of person who would cry aloud for even an ant bite.. My Amma was worried than me I felt regarding this:) I had discussed about all this with Ingi and she just told me one thing “It’s simple….You can bear the pain and you will forget the pain once you see your baby”… My friend GA had also told the same to me but I always thought “Yeah it might be for people like them who can bear pain but not for a person like me”

18th May – 20th May

All these days went of travelling from home to hospital, doing the regular fetal heart rate check, meeting Dr.T, lunch at near by veg restaurant and returning home. There were times when, the heart rate of our little one showed variation and hence Dr.T adviced for a second check and if the same remained to get admitted immediately…But as always, little one would show everything normal during the second time that was usually after lunch as per advice from nurses out there 🙂

Few times, I had to meet my Dr.T at the Labour ward as she was on duty there. My visit to Labour ward increased my tension as I heard the screams and cries just like in movies 😥 I could hear them, and I happened to see few people in Labour aswell 😦 My heartbeats were always high while out of the Labour ward… I could not visiualize myself screaming 😦

Each day seemed to be a normal one for me without any symptom of labour which I was badly waiting for… Dr.T then told us clearly, we will wait until 21st and then, will admit me on 22nd to induce pain if no good news until then…

I was happy that AM got time with little one in tummy atleast now (He too needs to have that experience rite ;)) but at the same time my tension was on increase thinking about pain induction.

I was happy and worried at the same time for the same thing 🙂

People who visited us started saying that delay might be because of various reasons

  • Must be a girl baby…
  • Must be because of no excercise
  • Must be wrong calculation
  • Must be this n that….

Anyway, AM made me walk in the evenings to ensure I had a normal delivery as suggested by many including my Amma 🙂 I walked with my large tummy like anything and I was sweating even in the evenings… I somehow wanted to see my little one soon 🙂

22nd May 2015

6.00 AM

Me, AM and Amma started to hospital after lighting the lamp and praying 🙂 I will be having a little one in my hand today and that excited me like anything. AM and Amma seemed little tensed. Since Dr.T adviced me not to have heavy breakfast, I had two idlies with my Amma’s compulsion.(I was not feeling hungry) We registered at the counter for admission and I was taken inside the Labour Ward.

For the first time, I had been to hospital in nighty as suggested by the Dr.T.  I had tied my hair tight and neat. I was wearing bathroom slippers. I had kept bindi and sindoor. I had removed my ear rings, chains, rings, anklets and  all ornaments except my Thali(I am not sure why this hospital insisted on removing all ornamentts except thali :D)

As I entered, the duty nurse asked  me to remove my inner garments(I felt what!!!! and asked again on what she told before actually obeying) and then alloted me a bed. Next to my bed was a lady sitting with her new born. Yes… with new born.. She has been waiting for a room to be shifted. Since, rooms were not free, she was allowed to sit with baby in the labour ward itself.. I introduced myself and started enquiries about what not 🙂 Her baby was so small, cute and pink.. I touched its fingers and imagined myself touching my little one’s soon 🙂 She told me.. “Don’t worry.. I too had to induce pain and trust me Normal delivery is far better.. You just have pain for few minutes and you will be fine as before”

By this time, nurses came and gave me some glucose drips as I had light breakfast. They had requested AM to get few things related to delivery and had placed that plastic bag on my bed. When enquired, the nurse told me that, Dr would come and inject the medicine for inducing pain in sometime.

Again a nurse came and called me inside a small section near the restroom…It was time for preparation…Since Ingi had already informed me about the complete process, I had already done preparations at home… However, I had to follow that yucky process again…The nurse seemed so harsh on my skin and few drops of blood too was pumped out after her preparation(thats how they call shaving and removing hair while in the labour ward and operation theatres) I felt little awkward and at the same time realised how hard its gonna be…

I was lying in my bed tired and thirsty…Many  junor Drs were on round and few were explaining things to seniors…Lots of thoughts were running in my mind… At around 8.00 AM, came a junior Dr with the pain inducing medicine..She pushed inside my vagina a long tube like thing which had medicine, injected that and pulled out that tube.. I slightly shouted… It was not that hard physically but the thought of it gave me pain 😛

8.00 AM

Yes, now I had been given pain inducing medicne and I would see my little one soon.. Again some good thoughts filled my heart…Nurses asked me to go for a walk so that I get pain soon…I went out and met AM and Amma sitting with tensed faces.. There were lots of other parents who were waiting too..Me and AM went for a walk.. I was not having even slightest pain and AM asked  me..” Why you are not getting pain?” How would I react,.. I remained silent…We walked for sometime and then I decided to go in… With no symptom of pain I went to my bed,.. There was another girl who had come for inducing and she had already started with her labour pain….I kept looking at the clock, nurses talking and tried sleeping which never worked…At around twelve, a nurse told me, if still I dont start with my labour pain, I shall be given another dose of medicine 😦 OMG!!!!  I cant go through that process again…

Lunch was provided inside the Labour ward itself.. They gave me rice poridge with curd and some veg gravy.. I poured the curd in that rice porridge and drank it with salt.. A nurse looked at me and smiled to see how I ignored using spoon… How could I use one when it was so watery and just one cup of it…No symptom of pain till 2 (i.e 6 hours after injecting the medicine) and then came Dr.T with the next dose of pain inducing medicine 😦 This time while inserting the medicine, she seemed to churn it hard… Then I realised she was stripping

(Google days “Stripping membranes, sometimes called membrane sweeping, is a method used to try to start labor. The health care provider puts her or his finger into the cervix — the mouth of the uterus — and uses the finger to gently separate the bag of water from the side of the uterus near the cervix.)

Don’t wonder!!!! I got this term from one of my cousin who is a gynachologist. She had told me things I should expect while inducing pain since my due date had already passed.

I now took courage and opened my mouth and asked Dr.T ” Will I get pain soon and if Yes, how long will I have labour pain?”

“Labour pain might be for six to seven hours”

“Will I have pain for all seven hours?”

“Hmmm yes…but…everything seems to be favourable in your case and so once you start with labour it will be quick…May be four hours or even three hours…”

Her words were soothing but the fact that I will be in pain for seven hours gave me tension….I went out and met AM and Amma for sometime and then came in..While entering the labour ward back, I told AM “One baby is enough for us”….and these words made him tensed as he realised I started feeling the pain….I felt slightest pain hitting me and that was the reason I came in…But you see, I never missed to capture even this moment 😀 I had taken a selfie with AM outside labour ward 🙂

It was evening and still I was not into complete labour 😦 I was lying in my bed and by now my FIL had also come to hospital expecting something to happen this day 🙂 I asked him to return home but he seemed to deny (Later at night he had left after my Amma compelling him a lot to return and come the next day).. I didnot feel like going out of my bed by now but the  nurse on duty intimated   that AM and Amma wanted to see me. I told her I don’t want to go but again after sometime she asked to meet them once. She insisited that I meet them so that they will be relaxed a bit… So, I went out, met them, and came in soon and told them not to call me again 😀 I was not in intense pain but even the slightest pain in my abdomen made me worroied…. I then had my dinner… Now, the next shift Nurses and Doctors had come and I was put on a belt on my tummy to monitor the fetal heart rate just like during my last week Dr. visits. Those days it seemed easy but now, I felt it really hard.. I could not turn or tilt which started intensfying my pain…Lights were switched off in the ward except for a dim lit lamp in some corner.. When, I asked the nurse, she told me to sleep now… When I enquired about pain and third round of medicine, she told, tomorrow Dr.T will come and decide if I need another dose/ third dose of medicine… I felt tensed and worried like in hell 😥 I prayed atleast now I should start with my labour…

Labour ward..No lights..One lab technician lady adjusting and checking the fetal heart rate, one nurse writing down some record and loud cry of a girl in labour… She was shouting “Amma..Amma…..”

The situation, lighting and sound effect was enough for my imagination and tension to intensify…. As night progressed, I was having mentrual cramps kind of pain… I told this to the nurse and she then was checking my contractions in the monitor…

“You have not even started with labour and you say it’s paininig”

I felt like shouting at her and crying aloud… The pain was very slowly increasing.. I had never had mentruals cramps very painful and so thought this was normal pain and labour would still be painful… I started slowly crying to myself trying to change my position but nothing worked…

I called the nurse again and she then shouted

“See…there are no contractions for you…. If you do like this now, how are you going to bear labour… If this was the case, you could have gone for caesarean..Why did you opt for normal delivery….” She shouted this and that which made me feel, I was in hell…

I then asked the Lab technician lady and she sweetly replied not to worry and these are usual things….I realised my labour has started…When my cry intensified, the nurse came and showed me the fetal heart rate which had by now dropped down to 43 or so from 150 and said ” See your baby’s heartbeat.. If you behave like this, it will drop down and we should not  be blamed…Open your mouth and breathe well.. Don’t cry…”

Just imagine my situation…

I was in pain but that was not tracked by the machine,

I was in pain but I should not cry to ensure my baby was safe,

I was in pain but there was none to hold on beside…..

I cannot put in words all my emotions and pain at that point in words but I am trying to come closer….

I then started reciting”Gayathri Manthram” continuosly and thinking about the temple I visit regularly.. I was trying to deviate my mind from the pain which was  becoming tough….I looked at the clock to realise 22nd was over and now it was 23rd of May…

23rd May 2015

Until yesterday, we all thought, little one will be a day old this day but she was stubborn to come out 😛

The technician lady was sweet enough to allow me relax by turning and then adjusting the fetal rate checking belt.. She was very soft and that was a solace… At around four in the morning she came to me and told that the girl who was crying all the day yesterday has delivered a girl baby…. Good news in the morning made my day 🙂 My pain was increasing and I am not sure exactly when but a duty doctor came to me.. The nurse told her that contractions have not started for me yet I was crying.. Doctor came in and checked me internally and then the machine…I heard the doctor say that the machine was not tracking contractions and it was not working properly…. Yes!!! I heard this…. I was happy to know that I was in labour and although it was painful, I thought this is how most girls have menstrual cramps and I am too silly to cry aloud for this now …. As from begining, I was crying but with lots of control thinking that real pain is yet to come…I was trying my maximum to control my cry because I still thought there is more time for the climax…I remembered people telling I never bear even a small pain and so I thought all the while that I am yet to see the real pain which increased my fear…

Note, whenever I felt thirsty and tired, I was given glucose drip rather than water to drink.. At sometime, I requested the lab technician lady for a glass of water and she gave me just enough to wet my mouth 😦

The nurse meanwhile had asked me to get urine sample in the bottle she handed  me and keep it on the tray in another room….I did it as per her instructions.She then came and asked me to wear a gown that she gave..It was a front open blue gown with threads to tie knot(No buttons or zib). She told me that my attenders have not got tooth brush/ paste yet in a rude tone… I told Amma had it with her but time was running and she gave some paste on my palm and asked to brush with my finger itself.. She told that we cannot wait more for them to get it…It was true that she had asked for it to Amma and AM three times and could not see any response for that (The real story of where was my brush and paste will take a separate post). My hair was tied into two plaits like in school days by the technician lady….The nurse then asked me to lie down on the stretcher near the restroom and gave me enema :(and she asked me to go to restroom atleast three times. (Enema is the injection of a fluid into the rectum to cause a bowel movement)

I was now having pain with intervals…I used to sit, lie down and again sit etc….Withthe first visit to restroom, my stomach was empty (One full day I had survided in two idlies and little oats) but as the nurse insisted, I simply went in to the restroom thrice, gave a try for no luck and came out…Howmuch ever I told Nurse that it was painful, she never responded to that but asked me to walk for sometime which I felt so tough to… May be she knew things better I thought…Once, while coming out from restroom, I just collapsed… in front of her table…Yes.. Just like in movies I held my stomach and fell on my knees out of pain and anxiety… She shouted at me asking whats wrong and this will affect my little one…I told her I was feeling giddy and kind of fainted but she immediately shooted a question.. ” How can you cry/talk if you have fainted” I seriously felt like slapping her and wished someone kind enough came in for my help but no luck again…I then somehow got up with all my effort crying and went to my bed…In few minutes I felt really really tough to control anything that my body did…After sometime, the nurse came asked me if I kept my urine for testing but as she could not find it asked me to give again which I could not… I had nothing in body to comeout I felt… I told her but she was like, try once.. I went to restroom and as I was trying, she opened the door.. Yes you read it right… the restroom didnot have lock inside labour ward… She too waited but no luck and she could not compel me to try again because she realised my situation I think…

I was back in my bed now….The pain had intensified and I could not get up or move now… I felt that I literally pee-ed and poo-ed in my bed.. I coulnot control it… Felt a kind of rushing which I had never experienced… I cried and  called that technician lady and told her what I think I have done .. I cried to her and said sorry…Iam not able to control my pain or this.. I am really sorry…. I cried and I felt really bad….She politely replied “Nothing to worry…The baby is turning and it will be fine.. It’s ok..” I kept telling her sorry but she casually told me its nothing to worry and she will take care…I felt her to be an angel 🙂 She was silent, soft and comforting…I cried at heart as why did I ever feel like having a baby:) Trust me, I did think it for a moment because of that severe pain but then I felt, I had been waiting all these ten months for this moment and it’s gonna be worth it.

It was time for breakfast and they were supposed to give me tender coconut water now. I saw them keep it near my bed too but I was not lucky to get it 😛 Yeah…. I heard the duty Dr. ask the nurse if I had been given something to drink as Iam approaching labour and the nurse replying that she gave it to one of her collegue who was not well…I was in tears now…

Few more times I felt something rushing and I had to give pressure to my tummy to bear that severe pain…The nurse seeing me asked not to give too much pressure now but I could  not control that…The nurse got the duty doctor to me for checking….She was about to do internal check but before exactly doing it, she realised the situation and shouted, “Get her to the labour room immediately…”

Yes… Before the nurse reached my table with a cup of water(instead of tender coconut water), before Dr.T reached labour ward and before even realising I was in the final stage of Labour, I felt it…

OMG!!! So, it was my little one whom I felt now.. I seriously felt something actually coming out during the contraction I had while the duty Dr. came… A stretcher had been got and I was asked to get onto that from my bed… I was in excruciting pain but somehow got on to that on my two legs and hands just like a cat…I then looked at my bed which was wet with blood and some discharges ….I then, realised I had not pee-ed or poo-ed on it but that was something that indicated the lady that I was nearing labour…I was pushed into a small room where the table was ready.. I was asked to get onto that and lie down… I saw that the table was just till my hip and asked the nurses our there, how could I .. They asked me to get on and when I did, they pulled two separate parts of the table from either ends and joined them with stands that held my legs higher..

7.40 AM

I was inside the Labour room on the table with nurses and doctors surrounding me…. I looked at each one of them with full of doubts…. One Dr. asked me to push when I get pain but immediately, I pleaded her”Please tell me what to do.. I don’t know anyting.. Please tell me what should I do?”

I have read a lot about pushing but I could not think of doing it myself or rather I was not clear about it…I looked at everyone’s face closer and all seemed to be very much eager…

“Just place your legs on your tummy this way and push…” a Dr. told me by holding my legs in the correct position. The next moment I had severe pain which I can never put in words and all of the nurses and Dr. shouted something (I dont exactly remember what they told but I understood it as “push”) No luck again… Nurses were like “Oh…No…”

And then, one Nurse told me ” The next time you get similar pain, just push and you can see your  baby”…They were all waiting around me looking as though Iam a human bomb and would burst anytime 😛

Yes…7.42, I reached the peak of Labour Pain atlast and a loud scream which I don’t think I will be able to do again now…


7.43 AM

A Loud scream, Complete Pressure from inside and a hot rush from my vagina… Yes.. I just felt something like really hot liquid (Must be blood and water)coming out and the next minute I gave a fast slap to the nurse standing onto my right..Yes.. I gave a really hard blow on her left shoulder which I have no idea why 😦 All nurses and Drs looked at me awestruck.. The pain was over but why did I hit her…May be that was my spontaneous reaction…Thank God that they didnot shout at me or stare at me 🙂 It was the same nurse who showed me my little one after this filmy sequence…

“Do you see..Girl or Boy???” the nurse asked and it was a Girl… 🙂

A small one in the nurse’s hands, bluish colour, watery and silent smile is what I saw… The moment I looked at her, I felt like AM looking at me and smiling.. None would beleive but it was exactly AM’s mini version that I saw first and my immediate response was smile.. Yes, I infact kind of laughed looking at my baby for the first time… Another nurse just looked at my reaction and asked me

“Are you laughing or crying???”

My reaction was something I find trouble in putting into words…I was in pain and was crying but at the same time, the mini AM made me smile..No..laugh is what I exactly did 😛 The next comment made me realise that the nurses were looking at me like a comedian performing on stage 😛 They were passing comments about my reactions too 😉

After the first look, they took my baby for cleaning and I still stayed on the table…Dr.T had just arrived after all this as she was informed late about my Labour Pain (Now you can guess how the nurse never realized my pain the previous day.. None expected me to deliver this early…) The duty Dr. then told me that, the placenta will be delivered in few minutes…

“Oh.. will I have the same pain for that too??” I was curios and tensed.

“No.. No…” was her polite response

She then pulled out something which I felt very lightly and I could hardly see my placenta which was kept on the table… The Dr. then told me that she was now removing the clots and then would put stictches…OMG.. So, again pain I thought…

I asked in a seriously worried tone about the stichtes and her response was a look that meant “you have endured the labour and asking about this simple stichtes …” for which I smiled at her…

I was looking at clock…I had read in books that the baby has to be breastfed within one hour of delivery so kept asking the nurse nearby as when I can get the baby…Dr. had already told that the procedures will be over in ten minutes but it had taken more than half an hour now :(…Meanwhile, I kept talking to the nurses..

“Did you show the baby to my family?”


“Can we hear the sound from this room to the attender’s area?”


“Ayyooo.. then people would have heard my scream rite:(”

I kept talking to them and in between kept asking to bring my baby….. Meanwhile the little one had poo-ed on the same nurse’s uniform whom I slapped 😛 Head nurse was commenting.. ” See your baby has stained the nurse’s uniform..” I laughed at this:D I was happy for everythings that was happening this day…After too many asking, my little one was brought near me 🙂 It was almost an hour exactly and she was lying near me on the table… Nurses helped me feed her for the first time 🙂 The heavenly feel of motherhood.. Nothing more in words…

After feeding her for sometime, they asked me to get up and get ready:) Baby was taken inside for other chekups and I was taken to another restroom.. A lady helped me.. She was not a nurse or attendant but she was the helper lady I guess… She asked to clean myself and then wear the nighty that my Amma had given her….I was completely naked and was bathing when this lady came near my door.. Again this restroom too didnot have lock 🙂 I didnot feel awkward in front of her now…seeing me pour water on my body, she asked me not to….She insisited that I take bath after three days only but I badly wanted to and told her.. She immediately told Dr. T who was just outside the door about me and her response is what I loved

“Let her bath if she is ok…No problem”

I then took bath and didnot have towel to dry 😦 Nurse tried getting it from Amma but could not.. Later she came with my little one’s towel 🙂 I cleaned myself dry and came out…She took me to the labour ward, my bed and then I could see new faces today 🙂 Yesterday’s nurse who shouted at me came and told….” How are you …. Now you are happy rite?” in a smiling face.. I then realised it was all psychological treatment that she gave me yesterday.. I smiled back at her…I by now tied my hair again neatly though without a comb.. I was now looking fresh compared to the girl who gave birth at 4 in the morning…. The nurse even commented “Where are you going out all dressed up :P”

We both were given breakfast.. Idlies and Chutney,,.. I did not feel like eating but wanted to meet Amma and AM….All this while a nurse was helping me while moving though I told I can walk alone… I somehow managed to have breakfast and asked nurse to take me out… While waiting, I saw a new face – a young married girl who on enquiry had come for DNC.. I was sorry that I asked her had she come because she had labour pain although I could not see her big tummy (Why else one would come inside a labour ward I thought then)…I felt really sorry for her and prayed for her…My nurse then came closer to me and told, ” See how lucky you are.. that girl is coming here for the third time for DNC after miscarriage”

It was now time for me to go to my room 🙂 Yes.. Room was ready…AM, Fil and Amma was waiting for me and kid out side the labour ward.. I was taken in a wheel chair insisting that I would faint now….Just out of the labour ward in wheel chair with a nurse holding my baby and anohter nurse my wheelchair… I had lots to share with AM but could not and so just smiled….

I looked at my Amma and my heart sang the best song for her which I am sure only she heard…

Not all are lucky enough to experience this and those who experience cannot express it completely… The feel of motherhood is just awesome…

I now realised what people said to me….

I forgot that excruciating pain and all that I faced the moment my little one smiled at me 🙂 And its not just for the sake of the post but true from heart I can say that normal delivery is really painless one 🙂 The posts on the :Labour Pain and the measure of pain intensity compared to the breaking of number of bones in the body and all that comparisons to showcase the exact labour pain seems nothing to me now…

The intensity of physical pain is ofcourse unbearable but the mental content and happiness that the pain gifts us erases the painful moments from our memory.. Yes….I don’t feel that pain anymore while recollecting that day instead my heart is filled with moments of happiness…

Ten months and five days of wait for….

Experiencing the pain of Love,

Tasting the wonderful flavour of Life,

Learning the true meaning of  “AMMA”,

Getting the best ever gift from Almighty,


Sharing it with our better half happily…

Life can never be more colourful than this wonderful scene…..


– Dedicating this post to my little darling who will turn 1 in two days